On Parenting

Someone was asking me some questions about how I did things as a parent. The questions started me thinking about raising children. So, not having any other bright ideas, I decided to post a few things that I believe and a few things that worked for me. The risk with this post is being viewed as a total hypocrite. I did not always behave like I thought a good parent should. I didn’t even approach perfect. I still mess up with my adult kids. My kids did not and do not always think I’m the cat’s meow. If I had a buck for every mistake I made, I would be fabulously wealthy and wouldn’t be worried about my retirement now. Still, here’s what I tried to do, what I believe, and what I learned:





1) Love covers a multitude of sins. If you love your kids, you are their champion and cheerleader, you have their best interests at heart, they will forgive a lot of your mistakes. It really is true that they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

2) You don’t have to be right all the time. When you are wrong, promptly admit it. You will be wrong a lot. Once when I was in the ER when Eglantine dropped a forty pound weight on her toe, the ER doctor said, “You seem to have such a good relationship with your daughter. I had a terrible relationship with my parents. How do you have such a good relationship?” Caught off guard, I didn’t know what to say. I wish I could get a hold of that guy now and say, “Practice these sentences: I am sorry. I have made a mistake. I was wrong. Please forgive me. I will try to do better in the future.” Admit your errors and try to do better. Even small kids can understand that you are not all knowing, all powerful, and all perfect. They also learn how to correct their mistakes by watching you correct yours. They will have a lot more respect for you if you admit it when you are wrong.


3) Forgive them when they mess up. I remember giving Prudence a tongue lashing when she about six years old and messed up. Her mistake was so supremely important I can’t even remember what she did. She turned to me and said, “Can’t a person even make a mistake around here?” Earth to Prairie Smoke: people make mistakes. Six year olds goof up. Two year olds good up. Sixteen year olds goof up. Sixty year olds goof up. When people goof up that doesn’t mean you can never trust them again. That doesn’t mean they are basically flawed. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a parent. People make mistakes. It’s part of the plan.

4) Don’t take any more power than you absolutely have to have. Give your children as much use of their agency as you can. Obviously you can’t let your two year old drink the Drano he found in the utility closet. You can’t let your five your old ride her bike on I-15. You have to overrule their agency in a big way sometimes. But letting you six year old be Dracula for Halloween instead of insisting on the Fairy Princess costume you like - why not let her exercise her choice? So maybe your two year old appears at the church social wearing the hoop earrings she found in the play jewelry and ballet slippers. You might feel a little sheepish. But really, what is it going to hurt? You’ll survive. Just tell everyone who looks at her strangely that the earrings and ballet shoes prove she has a future in fashion design. And remember to take a picture.



5) Let them suffer appropriate consequences. You refuse to wear your coat when you go outside. You get cold. Mistake – consequence. You ride your bike in the street after being told you must not ride it there. You lose bicycle privileges for a day. Mistake – consequence. The consequence should be logical to the mistake. You stick your tongue out at your sister. You lose bicycle privileges. So where’s the connection? Kids should always be given one warning, so if you have to punish them, they saw it coming. Never blind side them with something they had no idea would happen if they did or didn’t do something. Your kids will not respect you if you are not fair. They will just think you’re an ornery turd. And, yes, kids do have logic, and they learn logic from you.

6) Give up on being a “look good” kind of family. There was a family in our ward that I admired greatly when I first married. They seemed picture perfect. Mom and Dad were slim and attractive. Dad made a wonderful living as an executive with a prestigious company. The children were very attractive and did well in school. The Dad and Mom had leadership callings at church. Everyone held them up as a model family. While some of the children were outstanding, I later discovered some of the children had serious problems with life threatening addictions. Don't let others elect your family to be a "model" family. Laugh and tell them about some of the crazy things that happen on a typical day at your house. Share some of your struggles. Don't let yourself become so preoccupied with your family's image that you spend all your time and energy maintaining a facade. It’s more important that you are trying to BE good rather than LOOK good. “Try” is the key word here. Being human, you’re not going to be good all the time. Admit it. Don’t even try to look perfect. And know that you are not going to always BE perfect either. Don’t even care what the rest of the ward thinks of your family. Have the courage to be your imperfect self, and own that you are imperfect. Everybody looks good at church. Your children will love and respect your for trying to BE good. Kids will not admire you for trying only to LOOK good. No one like the self righteous. Kids really hate phonies. Christ doesn’t like them much either. Remember the Pharisees?

7) Laugh and have fun. You will be planning wedding receptions before you know it. Take time to enjoy your kids. I wish I had put aside housework more and just enjoyed my kids more. Laugh at the funny things they do. Tell them how weird they were when they were two. Every household disaster has a humorous side. Find it. Keep a journal and read it back to them sometimes. Laugh and tell stories at dinner. Laugh at yourself as you try new things and find out you really stink at doing them. Everything worth doing is NOT worth doing well. Have popcorn when you listen to Mozart. Have traditions. Go fishing. Go skating. Watch movies together. You’re children will never be this age again.

8) Don’t make a checklist. Some people have a “good parent” checklist. Your child must get their primary award, Eagle Scout or YW award, go on a mission, and get married in the temple. All of these checked off? Congratulations, you are a good parent. Some pretty horrendous parents have kids that meet that checklist. Some wonderful parents have kids that don’t do all those things. There are returned missionaries I would never want my son or daughter to marry. There are Eagle Scouts that I thank heaven every day I didn’t marry. Don’t make your kids think that your self worth hinges on whether or not they get a dumb award. They should decide what awards they want and work for them. How much does an award really mean if they only earn it so that you will let them get their driver’s license?

9) Teach them. Many people take their kids to church. Many people teach their kids the basic commandments. But what do those commandments mean to you? What experiences have you had with being dishonest? What consequences did you suffer? How much did it hurt? Tell them why you value working with honest people. Tell them about the dishonest people you’ve dealt with and what you thought of them when you discovered the dishonesty. Tell them of the person who had a baby out of wedlock. Tell them how awful it was for the mother, and especially the baby. Talk about chastity. Talk about selfishness. Talk and do. Turn off the TV when it’s vulgar. Read only the best books. Try to do what you believe. But don't be a fanatic.

10) Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill. A clean room would be lovely, but what is more important a clean room or a decent relationship with your teenager? There are very few things that are important enough to blow up into a big issue.

11) If you say it, mean it. There is some behavior that is not tolerated. I could never stand fighting. ( “If you can’t be happy playing, maybe you’ll be happy working. Grab a scrub brush. There are walls that need washing.”) We couldn’t tolerate children saying and doing mean things to each other, and we meant that in a big way. If the kids wrote on the walls, they plannned on spending quality time with an abrasive and a scrub brush while they repaired the damage. Everyone sat down for dinner. If they said they weren't hungry, they still sit down and kept us company while we ate. Bed time was 9:00 p.m. Children went to bed at bedtime. Period. Of course, there was some latitude. For instance, kids could stay up on Friday and finish watching a movie. If grandma dropped by to return something she borrowed at 8:45, they got to say hello to her. Try to avoid power struggles if you can. You can never win a power struggle that involves potty training, eating, and those types of things. But you can often avoid an eating power struggle by not letting a kid fill up on junk just before dinner. Sometimes I’d ask my kids what they wanted to eat for dinner before I went grocery shopping. We’d have some of those meals. Sometimes a kid will force you into a power struggle about something important like riding his tricycle in the street. Then, you make sure you win that power struggle.

12) Do your best and turn the rest over to the care of God. Relax. Pray. Have faith. God hasn’t let you down so far. You can trust Him.