A Tail of Burning

Thursday afternoon found me scrubbing pepper spray off the walls of an outhouse at the fairgrounds.

It all began my when delightful friend Charmaine decided last week’s hike should be an urban hike. Eloise, Charmaine, and I decided to walk from her upper west side home to the fairgrounds. Our walk took us to Spring Meadow Lake, across the golf course of a private country club, down a railroad bed, and across a field, and through a hole in a chain link fence. Yes, three over-fifty women army crawling through a ground level hole in a chain link fence. The worst part of the fence was that the deer crawl through it too, so there was deer hair all around the fence and on the ground. Yuck.

So after four miles of walking, crawling, and adventuring, it is only natural that an outhouse offers a welcome respite. And why should I remove my back pack? I can use an outhouse while wearing a back pack. Or, I thought I could until I discovered the safety had bounced off my pepper spray. AGAIN! I heard an unusual sound and turned to see: pepper spray all over the toilet lid, and the wall. Having previous experience with pepper spray, I didn’t even wait to get my pants all the way up before I burst out of the outhouse door and ran for it. I made Flash Gordon look like an ADA candidate. We all backed off and waited for the noxious vapor to dissipate. Then, Eloise ventured inside to use a baby wipe to clean off the toilet lid, but there was nothing that could be done with the wall.

We propped the outhouse door open with a garbage can and resumed our urban hike. But the worst was yet to come. Eloise began to have burning under her fingernails. I soon noticed a burning cheeks. The BIG cheeks. Evidently microscopic particles of pepper spray had infiltrated my underwear. Even though it was only 20 degrees, I was reaching for snow and packing my rear end with it as we walked along. Thank heaven, we came to the bathroom at the other end of the fairgrounds with running water. I had to take soap and water sponge bath and Eloise needed a hand wash.

Lucky for us, the walk back was only about three miles and the weather was cold, but just what the hiker ordered for a peppered behind. At Charmaine’s I had to wash and dry my under wear, so that I could stay there. We had planned to make some Christmas candy.

So the next afternoon, armed with a bucket of soapy water, a scrub brush, and various cleaners, I ventured back to the fairgrounds to wipe the pepper spray off the inside of the outhouse. If you ever need a long lasting wall coating, I recommend pepper spray. Nothing I did made a dent in it. Even with the door open for 24 hours with a 20 MPH wind blowing the entire time, I still coughed a little as I cleaned. But at least my rear end was a reasonable temperature.

All I have to say is, I am writing a letter to the pepper spray manufacturers. They need to come up with a better safety.